Time for a new corollary

by Bill Simmon of ESPN

The most common e-mail from readers the past five days: Did the Dallas loss qualify as a full-fledged Stomach Punch Game?

Umm, did you even need to ask? That surpassed a mere stomach punch and seemed more like someone getting repeatedly cracked over the head with a metal chair. In the past 10 years of the NFL playoffs, there were three particularly brutal defeats: the Music City Miracle, the Tuck Rule Game, and now, the Romo Game. The Music City Miracle was an ingenuous fluke; the Tuck Rule, an unfair twist of fate; the Romo Game, an epic blunder that capped an improbable collapse. Its impossible to say which defeat caused the most pain, but any time a game can be remembered by a nickname or phrase, its never a good thing.

Twenty years from now, Dallas fans will remember The Oh No Romo Game.

Of course, the Romo Game and subsequent fallout obscured a more pertinent question: Namely, was anyone surprised that the 2006 Cowboys blew a game so memorably? Just like the Giants, they were a sloppy, underachieving group that always kept opponents in games and self-destructed at the wrong times. Normally, the head coach gets blamed (and fired) when this happens, but it looks as though both Tom Coughlin and Bill Parcells will return next season. And sure, I can see how the Giants talked themselves into an "its hard to blame Coughlin when we had so many injuries" mind-set, even though its absolutely ridiculous, like Britney suddenly blaming her recent problems on postpartum depression or something. But what about the Cowboys and Parcells? Whats their excuse? Why wouldnt Parcells take the brunt of the blame for such a disappointing season? Why would the Dallas fans want him back and, more importantly, why would he want to come back?

For much of the 2006 season, Parcells stood on the sideline looking like the foreman of a hopelessly deadlocked jury, someone with no real hope of turning anything around. His team made too many mistakes, got flagged for too many killer penalties and gave up too many big plays. He pulled the trigger on the Bledsoe-Romo decision about three weeks too late. He couldnt prevent TO from being a constant distraction. Before the QB change temporarily turned Dallas season around, reports trickled out that his friends and family were worried about his health and couldnt understand what happened to his legendary fire. Watching from afar, I found myself wondering the same thing. The 2006 version of Parcells paled in comparison with the Parcells from New England, the guy I remembered and loved, an abrasive, larger-than-life character who revived my favorite team in the mid-90s before ultimately boning over the entire fan base like a wrestling heel. Watching the Dallas incarnation of Parcells was like watching Pacino in "Two For The Money." Yeah, it was Parcells ... but not really.

Then I realized something: Hes old.

I know, I know ... were not breaking any ground by calling a 65-year-old man "old." At the same time, we can make excuses and point to success stories like Dick Vermeil and Marv Levy, but the fact remains, most American males either retire between 55 and 65 or scale their responsibilities back to some degree. Why? Because theyre freaking old!!!!!

For instance, Bill Parcells turned 62 three years ago. Think about that for a second. He can get into movies for half price. He can collect Social Security. Hes old enough to remember when Rita Hayworth was hot. This guy should still be working 70-hour weeks, frantically constructing game plans for 13 to 17 teams in a four-month span, presiding over a 53-man roster and 10 assistants, handling a relentless media corps and passionate fan base, running mini-camps and training camps, scouting rookie prospects and signing free agents, balancing the competing egos and agendas of his offensive and defensive units, inspiring players who make more money than him, and dealing with lunatics like TO? Really? That sounds like the right job for a 65-year-old man? Shouldnt every head coach have a shelf life of 15-20 years and thats it? Bullfighters can hang around too long; so can wrestlers, porn stars, comics, TV executives, politicians, Supreme Court justices, even sports columnists. Why cant the same go for coaches?

This isnt about age as much as the demands of this particular profession. Its the hardest in sports, an incredibly complex, punishing, thankless job. Just look at the physical effects on head coaches who stick around for extended periods of time. Remember during the Dallas-Seattle game, when NBC ran a split-screen of Parcells and Mike Holmgren from the Packers-Patriots Super Bowl in 97, then followed it up with a live split-screen of them during Saturdays game ... and they looked a good 20-25 years older. It was positively creepy, right?

The Tuna has lost his edge ... hes just round now.

Thats why, in Parcells honor, Im introducing the Speed Limit Coaching Corollary. If the coach of your favorite team is older than 55, or if your team is about to hire someone whos older than 55, theres a good chance you should start preparing for a frustrating stretch of football. Consider the following things:

� If you picked the best 2006 coaching jobs strictly in terms of "maximizing the talent on hand," any unbiased person would go with Sean Payton, Bill Belichick, Eric Mangini, Jeff Fisher, Lovie Smith and Brian Billick in some order. I would also include Mike McCarthy and Mike Nolan for overachieving with crummy teams, and we probably should include Andy Reid to be safe (even though hes overrated by the media and a notoriously bad clock-management guy). Anyway, every coach we just mentioned is younger than 55 years old; everyone but Billick and Belichick is younger than 50. There isnt a geezer on the list.

� The following "famous" coaches presided over underachieving, shoddy and/or terrible 2006 teams and peaked at least 7-8 years ago: Parcells, Coughlin, Denny Green, Joe Gibbs and Art Shell. All of them are older than 55.

� In the past three decades, seven famous 55-plus coaches were lured out of retirement or college and bombed miserably: Mike Ditka (Saints), Buddy Ryan (Cards), Tom Flores (Seahawks), Chuck Knox (Rams), George Seifert (Panthers), Steve Spurrier (Redskins) and Hank Stram (Saints). Three others acquitted themselves much better: Jim Mora (a 13-win season with the Colts), Dick Vermeil (a Super Bowl with the Rams) and Marty Schottenheimer (currently presiding over the Super Bowl favorite). Does a 30-percent success rate sound enticing to you?"

� Respected coaches like Tom Landry, Bud Grant, Don Coryell, Chuck Noll, Dan Reeves and Don Shula hung on with their longtime teams for 3-8 years too long (depending on the coach) before finally packing it in. All of them reached that "hanging on too long" point after hitting the 55-year mark.